Its all about balance…

So, I woke up Monday morning and thought what am I going to do with myself today. Not what can I manage, I’m sad or in pain but what can I do this morning?

It took a chat with my mum and dad to realise that this isn’t actually a bad thing. I am not sad by waking up on a Monday and not being at work. Something has shifted and my first thought wasn’t about a negative emotion it wasn’t about how things have changed, feeling sad, needing to conserve energy. It was that I wanted to do something and wanted to get out and about. What a lovely change!

So, puppy, Rosie (the new walker) and my dad and I we all went for a little walk. It was nice and sunny and so was my mood. The fog is lifting.

I have had a busy time of late with extensions, and dealing with leaks and annoying window people but have also thankfully started to being a bit more social in the daytime around my treatment. All of this has started to change how I feel about everything. Sometimes it takes someone to stop and remind you that things have changed to see the very small positive shift in your life and your thinking.

I think something happened after I published my last blog. I am not sure if it was because I managed to finally get out how I was feeling into words, or the sheer act of publishing my blog but my mindset shifted again. For the better.

It feels like with every little achievement, and every new thing I challenge myself to do I feel such pride at even the smallest of things. I am not giving in to this. I have not been able to walk out from my mum and dads house since I got so poorly over 18 months ago and today with the help of Rosie and dad I did it. I didn’t notice or realise the milestone until it was over. It felt so good and I felt so proud. I am enjoying being able to use my legs just a little bit and enjoying some winter sunshine even if it is with a walker. I can’t get far but it’s about gaining a touch more freedom and independence which is always going to be good for the soul.

As my lovely friend who I met for coffee last week told me that perhaps publishing ‘Project Ange’ blog was a cathartic experience and would help me to move a few steps forward. She was right.

I have also started to think about this whole Project Ange thing and what it means. First step is my brain, I need to get it firing again. I definitely want to do more writing, not just this blog but in other areas too, just for me because I enjoy it so much, so I am starting to explore what is possible for me around this illness.

I need to be reading more books and get my brain working again, fire it up with some good reads (all recommendations accepted except horror stories – can’t cope with the nightmares!). Reading gives me such personal joy that I need to prioritise it (over watching Friends and Grey’s Anatomy on loop!). I think eventually I might do something a bit more academic but for now nothing with any pressure or deadlines is working for me.

Other than getting the brain working and small walks on the days my body will allow, is the challenge of weight loss. It’s very slow and steady wins the race as my body is pretty much ravaged by steroids from the last 15 years. I am taking my time. I will get there. I am almost at a stone and a half down now and much more to go but I am finding out how to balance losing weight, being social and sticking to what I need to do to keep me well.

It’s all about balance and this is going to be the case moving forward in all aspects of my life and working towards finding that balance will always be the challenge.

Following my OK day on Monday, I was hit with a bad asthma attack and airway collapse on Monday overnight. I’ve been very tired, in a world of pain and resting up since then. All plans and life put on hold. It has been hard but I knew it was due so wasn’t a shock. Long term illness doesn’t allow you to get cocky. It pops up and reminds you that your life can only be planned to a certain extent and nothing can be taken for granted.

This isn’t an illness that will improve. The only things I can improve is my reaction to them. Understanding my limits (always changing) and reacting the right way when this happens. So, all plans were cancelled, I have been sleeping lots and I am currently best mates with my packet of painkillers. It’s a temporary blip and for the first time I haven’t panicked, am leaning into the skid and just going with it and laying low! It doesn’t feel like the end of the world where once it previously has done so I am clocking that down to a win!

Until next time….